Crushing on someone for months, fantasising over the way they laugh, walk, stand, look at you. Shamefully picturing some sort of future with someone who in your eyes could not be held on a higher pedestal. All to discover that it's just a one way road. No reciprocation. Whatsoever.
Shock and disbelief are probably at the beginning of the long list of emotions that will follow. At least they were for me. 'Surely not!' 'Whatever, I don't even care that much..' 'I'm over it'. But you know that no matter how much you try to bury your feelings under a cool, breezy exterior and deny it; you're in pain. It hurts for someone not to love you as much as you love them.
"Loving" someone (for want of a better word) despite not knowing them as well as one should, not questioning the possibility of being rejected causes a period of pain.
You begin to wonder why you weren't good enough, why you ever believed that you felt some sort of connection, why he didn't feel the same way and why for some reason you thought that he did..
Sadness and an unexpected wave of emotion came next. Being drained of my sorrow that I had been suppressing in fear of feeling something. Anything that would make me realise what had just happened and what it meant. How stupid and naive I must have been to even dream of being liked, loved even. Realising how much you misread signals. I can't say that it'll be ok, it doesn't mean anything; that my appearance, mannerisms and actions don't play a factor; that I'll find someone worth my time and affection because I just don't know if I will.
I expect to feel anger next. Anger ay making myself look like a fool, anger at being swept to the gutter so easily and anger for being lead on, misguided and wasting my time.
I'm still in this low stage of sadness and low self-worth and I don't know when it will end.
"The loneliest people' are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do." -Unknown
What I do know is that I shouldn't let it get to me. He isn't the only man on earth. There are plenty of other fish in the sea yada yada yada. Fill my mind with positive thoughts and remember that there are people that love me. There will be someone who wants me as much as I want them. I just need to look. I can't blame someone for not feeling the way I do. I can't let something so insignificant in the grand scheme of things define me.
Getting over it will be hard and allowing myself to express emotion will be a struggle. Loving myself and overlooking my flaws will always be difficult but I have to at least try eh?
Bex
