Romantic Rejection.

It's hard to deal with, that I can tell you with absolute certainty.

Crushing on someone for months, fantasising over the way they laugh, walk, stand, look at you. Shamefully picturing some sort of future with someone who in your eyes could not be held on a higher pedestal. All to discover that it's just a one way road. No reciprocation. Whatsoever.

Shock and disbelief are probably at the beginning of the long list of emotions that will follow. At least they were for me. 'Surely not!' 'Whatever, I don't even care that much..' 'I'm over it'. But you know that no matter how much you try to bury your feelings under a cool, breezy exterior and deny it; you're in pain. It hurts for someone not to love you as much as you love them.

"Loving" someone (for want of a better word) despite not knowing them as well as one should, not questioning the possibility of being rejected causes a period of pain. 

You begin to wonder why you weren't good enough, why you ever believed that you felt some sort of connection, why he didn't feel the same way and why for some reason you thought that he did..

Sadness and an unexpected wave of emotion came next. Being drained of my sorrow that I had been suppressing in fear of feeling something. Anything that would make me realise what had just happened and what it meant. How stupid and naive I must have been to even dream of being liked, loved even. Realising how much you misread signals. I can't say that it'll be ok, it doesn't mean anything; that my appearance, mannerisms and actions don't play a factor; that I'll find someone worth my time and affection because I just don't know if I will. 

I expect to feel anger next. Anger ay making myself look like a fool, anger at being swept to the gutter so easily and anger for being lead on, misguided and wasting my time.

I'm still in this low stage of sadness and low self-worth and I don't know when it will end.

"The loneliest people' are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do." -Unknown

What I do know is that I shouldn't let it get to me. He isn't the only man on earth. There are plenty of other fish in the sea yada yada yada. Fill my mind with positive thoughts  and remember that there are people that love me. There will be someone who wants me as much as I want them. I just need to look. I can't blame someone for not feeling the way I do. I can't let something so insignificant in the grand scheme of things define me. 

Getting over it will be hard and allowing myself to express emotion will be a struggle. Loving myself and overlooking my flaws will always be difficult but I have to at least try eh?

Bex 

Summer nocturnality.

Something which happens to me at some point during summer is the the abrupt change of my sleeping pattern from sleeping during the night to sleeping during the day. It's very annoying, honestly. 

Google's definition (this is becoming a thing, isn't it?): 

Where was I... oh yeah, changing sleeping patterns, etc. Well basically I'm up all night and asleep for most of the day (usually till 1pm) because I find myself most productive at night. Take me as an example, I write most of these posts very late at night/ early in the morning, when I feel thoughtful, it's odd isn't it.

There's something I find intriguing about nocturnality. Maybe it's realizing that you are having your own little adventures whilst everyone is asleep. Maybe it's the appeal of silence and peace. The abundance of noise in the bustling city of London, sirens and horns going off willy nilly gets so annoying. It's nice to be able to appreciate the silence that is so infrequently present. 

But there is always the negative side. It's not the greatest thing to have your sleeping pattern constantly messed up. It leaves you tired at random points in the day and takes a toll on your social life. Missing planned get togethers because you accidentally slept in is the most annoying thing to happen, trust me.

I'm gonna try to sleep when I'm supposed to, but I highly doubt that it'll work. Let the owls roam during the night and let yourself dream about them.

Bex

Michael Gove Rant.

I wrote this for my English coursework and thought that I'd share as Michael Gove is now out of office. (Hooray!)

Michael Gove has many talents. One of them is annoying people. A lot. He is a pompous ass with astonishing self-confidence and this inflames a lot of people: students, teachers…in fact the entire public – myself included.

On one specific occasion, I remember when I felt burning hatred in the deep and dark corners of my soul for Gove. Having just returned home from the prison called school, brain and body exhausted from a long 7 hours of learning, I sat down to watch the day’s events on Sky News when the face of evil popped up on the screen. His idea is for schools to have a 10 hour day, because students need to “build character and instil grit”. This suggestion comes after education professionals say students need short days in order to process the incoming information. Teachers are already overworked and work unpaid overtime, as much as £7 billion per year!

As a matter of fact, at Teachers’ Union Conferences many teachers expressed their feelings: and they were they harsh! Sarah Caffrey, at the National Union of Teachers’ conference in Torquay, said that he was an ‘evil entity who hovers around and seems to think we’re doing such an excellent job we should be working longer and longer hours for less and less pay’. I mean evil is a strong word, but I think it is perfectly fitting for Gove.

But, it is not only teachers who see red when they hear of Satan’s representative on Earth - it’s the younger generations too. I wouldn’t be surprised if his offspring were a part of the ‘I HATE GOVE SOCIETY’, for it’s his children who will be affected by his reforms.

It was in June 2013, when it was revealed that Michael Gove was making yet more reforms. These reforms will see students study whole Shakespeare plays as standards in Maths and Science being strengthened. I bet the students in KS3 are looking forward to 2015 when the qualifications will be introduced but especially to the summer of 2017 when the first gruelling exams will take place.

It’s safe to say that these reforms are the most radical changes since Sir Keith Joseph scrapping O-levels and introducing GCSEs in 1984.

The new plans include replacing the A*-G grading system with a 1-8 scale (unnecessary); abolishing module tests and having exams at the end of the course (lazy and stressful); cutting coursework and curtailing re-sits (no chance to improve); limiting the number of subjects with tiers aimed at higher and lower abilities (some students need challenging not everyone can do the same thing). The Devil’s sidekick is basically re-introducing O-levels; you know the ones that were scrapped because they did not stretch the able and the average. I mean, they were scrapped for a reason so why bring them back? Kids usually ask older siblings or relatives for advice as they have already been in their position but now, the first year of students to undergo this examination will have no one to turn to and will have to work twice as hard to adapt to the new examination style and material which will cause yet more stress and more problems.

More recently, Satan’s spawn has found yet another ‘problem’ that he needs to fix. Misbehaviour is highly frowned upon at school and students are well aware of the consequences: detention, writing lines, negative conduct points missing break time etc. But Gove decided that this wasn't befitting for him and wants to resort to old-fashioned means of punishment by forcing badly behaved children to do community service at their school, e.g scraping gum off of tables or picking up litter. He would rather punish small, scared and snivelling children than get help for their behaviour. If the students are going to act like the new caretakers, what will happen to the existing ones? Great plans you've got there, Mike.

But – there are still reasons to like him. Because of him there is a great sense of community in our schools, boroughs and hate clubs as we all have something in common: we hate Michael Gove.

Now he is officially NOT the Education Secretary let us celebrate by laughing at this highly amusing gif of him falling over. Please enjoy.

Bex

'Popularity'.

Time and time again I have a discussion with someone on the topic of popularity. Worries of not being popular, not being in the popular group or not having a 'clique'. And I can tell you that every single time it's about school.

I'm sure you are aware if you have ever set foot in high school, even primary school as a matter of fact that society is divided, no matter where you look. Whether it is by race, class, interests, gender, there are rough lines of division which create the cliques you see from day to day.

I'm sure everyone will tell you that popularity isn't everything and the reason is because it isn't. Yeah, it's cool being everyone's friend and the top of the gossip list, but is constant attention what you really crave? Having to continuously keep up appearances in sake of a good reputation and 'popularity'. What even is 'popularity'? Well, this is Google's definition:

Note where it says 'supported by many people'. So apparently, popularity is about being appreciated by loads of people.

Whoever you hang out with appreciates you, your friends, your family, dozens of people appreciate your existence. So in essence, you are 'popular'.

I'm guessing the overall assumption of a popular person is someone (at school) who everyone wants to rub shoulders with and is envied by many. Someone who is 'perfect'. If perfection even exists. Let's look up that definition too.

A 'perfect' person or thing is without fault and I'm sure you are aware that nobody is without fault, therefore nobody can ever be perfect.

Now back on to the topic of popularity.

Some people don't have a 'clique'. A group of people they can identify with, a place they can fit in. No matter how hard you try, you just can't find anyone who understands you. Trust me I know the feeling of feeling alone and having no one to hang out with. Wondering why you have no friends. It's depressing and makes you miserable.

But guess what? Try harder. Talk to people. Don't. Give. UP. You want to have a 'clique'? You don't care about popularity? Then, despite your better judgement, never stop being positive, friendly and willing to make friends. Why? Because eventually, you will meet a group of people who love you and care about your existence as much as you care about theirs, and it will all be worth it. You're the new kid, so what; be brave. You're picked on, go and tell someone and make the best decision you've ever made in your life, stop the harassment and rise above it.

Popularity. It means nothing. If you're not in the 'popular group' then so what. You are special and amazing in your unique way. Once you and I out of high school, you'll realise that popularity in high school means nothing in the real world.

School shapes you for the real world. All of your experiences will form the person you turn out to be, so yes not being popular will make you feel unhappy and pissed off, but after being angry and upset and annoyed, you will realise that you were 'popular' all along because even though you are unaware, you aren't invisible.

Bex

Describe your future.

So I started this blog so that I could share my thoughts and feelings with the big, wide world. I will be posting random little things I think of and things I think need to be discussed and should be ranted about. Without further ado, here is my first post about my future.

Yeah, I completely 100% know what I will do in the future, I've got it figured out like every other teenager. I’m going through a mid-life crisis at the ripe old age of 15. I know what you’re thinking; get over yourself, and believe you me: I’ve tried. I have no idea what I want to do with my future. I can’t fathom what my life will be like in 5, 10 or 15 years, let alone 1. From the very start of high school at age 11, I’ve had a rough idea of what I want to do with my life which has constantly changed up until now.

All I know is that I enjoy a couple things and that I would enjoy nothing more than pursue a career in, but I am clueless as to whether I will be successful, which worries me.

I feel as though the case for me and many teenagers alike is an inability to annihilate a continuous, persistent thought at the back of our heads of our future. Everyone always asks what you want to do and it really bothers me. Considering that this is being written at 3:20 am in my Summer Holidays, you can tell it’s an issue. On one hand I think I need to do something smart and reliable, like accountancy or banking. Yet, on the other hand I don’t want to be restricted and live a life full of boredom and lacking in creativity. One thing I’m sure of is that when I retire, I want to look back on the last 60+ years of my career and be saddened to leave it behind, and in order for that to happen I need to choose something that I will enjoy.

I mean, I really enjoy languages and cultural stuff. Art too, if it’s in my free time because at school it makes me see art as work, not play which means that I start to loathe something I’m supposed to enjoy. And that’s great because they’re things that I find interesting and won’t ever get completely bored of. However, I am always being told that I need to choose a career that has money in it, but is money really the only source of happiness? If I choose something I can throw myself into, with enraging passion, does it mean that I will be condemned to a life of poverty and misery?

On the flipside, say I have a very well-paying job and a ‘perfect life’ which is enriching but means that I have no life of my own, no husband or children to keep my life worth living. I would be utterly miserable.

A popular belief in society for women is that you will eventually have to make the ‘decision’; do you want a career or a family? Because according to the universe, you can’t have both. If you take pleasure from both, then you have to decide which is the most important to you. But I completely disagree. Yeah, if you want both it’s going to be beyond difficult to manage, in spite of that, if it’s really what you want, it will work out in the end. If you’ve ever watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel you will be familiar with the quote: ‘everything will be all right in the end… if it’s not all right then it’s not yet the end.’ That’s exactly what this balance is about, if it’s truly something you desire and you work for it, it will work out eventually. I know I’ve repeated myself, but I think it’s important to actually take that in.

Personally, my take on the key to happiness is finding balance. For some people, devoting your life to helping others, even if that means living in poverty is how to be happy, then that is their key to happiness. For others, being able to live comfortably with a roof over your head, relaxing vacations 3 times a year and eating out for dinner in top notch 5 star restaurants is the key. But for me, a healthy balance of self-indulgence, selflessness and goodness is how to be happy.

I believe that even though I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere with several different paths to my future, I can still choose to grab my life by the shoulders and steer it down the right one which will pave it’s way for me whilst I stand back and watch, oblivious to stop the chain of events from unravelling. I still have no idea what I want to do in the future, but I know this: being OK is my main priority. If, after a long day at work, I can go home with a roof over my head with someone to share it with and still say that I’m okay, then I know that I’ll be just fine. Just fine.

Bex